btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
