god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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