we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
