I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
