no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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