I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
