i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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