I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
