I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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