it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
