You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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