I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
