you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
