I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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