I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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