There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
