It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
