Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
