I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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