I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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