Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
