When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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