I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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