I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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