the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
