Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
