He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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