Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
time to smoke my breakfast
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
