last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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