i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
