so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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