I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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