I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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