When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
dude i'm inner monologue high
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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