Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
