i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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