He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
