If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
