yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
