I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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