The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
