I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
