woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
