wrigley field is MILF paradise
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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