dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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