I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
