and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
