Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
splinters make it hard to masturbate
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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