Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
