every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
