Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
