Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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