Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
