i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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