That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
