I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
